{"id":139,"date":"2011-10-21T10:48:02","date_gmt":"2011-10-21T10:48:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bexleymastersswimmingclub.com\/?page_id=139"},"modified":"2017-02-09T15:24:22","modified_gmt":"2017-02-09T15:24:22","slug":"open-meets","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.bexleymastersswimmingclub.com\/?page_id=139","title":{"rendered":"Thoughts and humour"},"content":{"rendered":"

When I saw these I looked into the mirror and reflected……….<\/h2>\n

“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that\u00a0 have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”\u00a0 A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.\u00a0 This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.<\/b><\/h2>\n


\n.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. The batteries were given out free of charge.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. A dentist and a manicurist married.\u00a0 They fought tooth and\u00a0 nail.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. A will is a dead giveaway.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. When you’ve seen one shopping Center you’ve seen a mall.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left\u00a0 side was cut off?\u00a0 He’s all right now.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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.. Acupuncture is a jab well done.\u00a0 That’s the point of it.<\/b><\/h2>\n

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\u00a0\u00a0 And the cream of the wretched crop:<\/b><\/h2>\n

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… Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.<\/i><\/b><\/h2>\n

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A young NCO was leaving the HQ at 1745 when he found a senior officer<\/h2>\n

standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.<\/h2>\n

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“Listen,” said the officer, “this is a very sensitive and important<\/h2>\n

document and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”<\/h2>\n

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“Certainly,” said the young NCO. He turned on the machine, inserted the<\/h2>\n

paper, and pressed the start button.<\/h2>\n

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“Excellent, excellent!” said the officer as his paper disappeared inside the<\/h2>\n

machine, “I just need one copy.”<\/h2>\n

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Lesson: Never, never, ever assume that your boss knows what he’s doing.<\/h2>\n

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Paraprosdokians<\/span>
\n\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (Winston Churchill loved them!)<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.”\u00a0 <\/span>
\nHere is the definition: “A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence <\/span><\/h2>\n

“Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.\u00a0<\/span>
\n1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.<\/h2>\n

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.<\/h2>\n

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.<\/h2>\n

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.<\/h2>\n

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.<\/h2>\n

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left..<\/h2>\n

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.<\/h2>\n

8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.<\/h2>\n

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.<\/h2>\n

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.<\/h2>\n

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.<\/h2>\n

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’<\/h2>\n

13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.<\/h2>\n

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think\u00a0they are sexy.\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.<\/h2>\n

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.<\/h2>\n

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.<\/h2>\n

18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.<\/h2>\n

19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.<\/h2>\n

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.<\/h2>\n

21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.<\/h2>\n

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.<\/h2>\n

23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.<\/h2>\n

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.<\/h2>\n

25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.<\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

Two more:<\/span><\/h2>\n

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.. <\/span><\/h2>\n

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

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Thought For The Moment;<\/strong><\/h2>\n

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FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:<\/h2>\n

Please enjoy and understand the following:<\/h2>\n

<\/h2>\n

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.<\/h2>\n

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.<\/h2>\n

3.\u00a0 IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?<\/span><\/h2>\n

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.<\/h2>\n

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.<\/h2>\n

6.\u00a0 WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?<\/h2>\n

7.\u00a0 IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATEN TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>9.\u00a0 IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>10.\u00a0 WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>11.\u00a0 WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>12.\u00a0 IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>13.\u00a0 WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>14.\u00a0 WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>15.\u00a0 IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>16.\u00a0 CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>17.\u00a0 IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>18.\u00a0 WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>19.\u00a0 HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>20.\u00a0 WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>21.\u00a0 ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>22.\u00a0 DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? <\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>23.\u00a0 DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>24.\u00a0 HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>25.\u00a0 IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>26.\u00a0 IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>27.\u00a0 IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>28.\u00a0 WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>29.\u00a0 WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>30.\u00a0 WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>31.\u00a0 IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0<\/span>32.\u00a0 CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD? <\/span><\/h2>\n

Joke of the Moment;<\/strong><\/h2>\n

\u00a0An Australian was inIreland. On his way toBelfast, he stopped at a bar and asked one of the locals, “What’s the quickest way to Belfast?”<\/h2>\n

The Irishmen asked, “Are you walking or driving?”<\/h2>\n

The Australian replied, “I’m driving!”<\/h2>\n

The Irishman said, “Aye, that’d be the quickest way!”<\/h2>\n

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Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.<\/h2>\n

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Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.<\/h2>\n

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Spaniard said; “You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a four-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built”.<\/h2>\n

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor’s house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; “You see that bridge over there?”<\/h2>\n

The Spaniard replied; “No.”<\/h2>\n

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If you’re not\u00a0 familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the guy\u00a0 who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”\u00a0 His mind sees things differently than most of us do; here are some of his gems:<\/h2>\n

1 – I’d\u00a0 kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.2 – Borrow money from pessimists\u2014they don’t expect it back.<\/h2>\n

3 – Half the people you know are below average.<\/h2>\n

4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.<\/h2>\n

5 –\u00a0 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.<\/h2>\n

6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.<\/h2>\n

7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.<\/h2>\n

8 – If you want the\u00a0 rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.<\/h2>\n

9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.<\/h2>\n

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.<\/h2>\n

11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.<\/h2>\n

12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?<\/h2>\n

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?<\/h2>\n

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked\u00a0something.<\/h2>\n

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.<\/h2>\n

16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.<\/h2>\n

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.<\/h2>\n

18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.<\/h2>\n

19 – I intend to live forever, so far, so good.<\/h2>\n

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?<\/h2>\n

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked\u00a0 into jet engines.<\/h2>\n

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death\u00a0 twice?<\/h2>\n

23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”\u00a0\u00a024 – Why do psychics have to ask you for\u00a0 your name?<\/h2>\n

25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence\u00a0 that you tried.<\/h2>\n

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.<\/h2>\n

27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.<\/h2>\n

28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread<\/h2>\n

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.<\/h2>\n

30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.<\/h2>\n

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.<\/h2>\n

32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.<\/h2>\n

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.<\/h2>\n

34 – If\u00a0 at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.\u00a0\u00a0 35 – I once met a man with wooden legs……and real feet\u00a0 36 – Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.<\/h2>\n

37 –\u00a0 There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.<\/h2>\n

38 – I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.<\/h2>\n

39 –\u00a0 If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?<\/h2>\n

40 – On the other hand… You have different fingers.<\/h2>\n

41 – I filled out an application that said, “In Case Of Emergency Notify”. I wrote “Doctor”…<\/h2>\n

42 –\u00a0 When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
\nI was an only child….eventually.<\/h2>\n

43 –\u00a0 I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a
\nmessage and I’ll call when I’m out.”<\/h2>\n

44 –\u00a0 Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
\nAnd the all time favorite.<\/h2>\n

45\u00a0\u00a0– If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?<\/h2>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

<\/h2>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I saw these I looked into the mirror and reflected………. “Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that\u00a0 have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”\u00a0 A competition to see who can come up with … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “Thoughts and humour”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":30,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-139","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bexleymastersswimmingclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/139","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bexleymastersswimmingclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bexleymastersswimmingclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bexleymastersswimmingclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bexleymastersswimmingclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=139"}],"version-history":[{"count":18,"href":"https:\/\/www.bexleymastersswimmingclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/139\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":646,"href":"https:\/\/www.bexleymastersswimmingclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/139\/revisions\/646"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bexleymastersswimmingclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/30"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bexleymastersswimmingclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=139"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}