• October 21, 2011 / 

    When I saw these I looked into the mirror and reflected……….

    “Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that  have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”  A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.  This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.


    .. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate

    .. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    .. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

    .. The batteries were given out free of charge.

    .. A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and  nail.

    .. A will is a dead giveaway.

    .. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    .. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    .. When you’ve seen one shopping Center you’ve seen a mall.

    .. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    .. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left  side was cut off?  He’s all right now.

    .. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

    .. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    .. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

    .. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    .. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

    .. Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That’s the point of it.

       And the cream of the wretched crop:

    … Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

    A young NCO was leaving the HQ at 1745 when he found a senior officer

    standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

    “Listen,” said the officer, “this is a very sensitive and important

    document and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”

    “Certainly,” said the young NCO. He turned on the machine, inserted the

    paper, and pressed the start button.

    “Excellent, excellent!” said the officer as his paper disappeared inside the

    machine, “I just need one copy.”

    Lesson: Never, never, ever assume that your boss knows what he’s doing.

    Paraprosdokians
     

                                   (Winston Churchill loved them!)

     

    or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” 
    Here is the definition: “A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence

    “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian. 
    1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

    2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

    3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

    5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left..

    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

    9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

    10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

    12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

    13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 

    15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

    16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

    17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

    20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

    21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

    22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

    24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

     

    Two more:

    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness..

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    Thought For The Moment;

    FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

    Please enjoy and understand the following:

    1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

    2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

    3.  IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

    4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

    5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

    6.  WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

    7.  IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

     8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATEN TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

     9.  IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

     10.  WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

     11.  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

     12.  IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

     13.  WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

     14.  WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

     15.  IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

     16.  CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

     17.  IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

     18.  WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

     19.  HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

     20.  WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

     21.  ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

     22.  DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

     23.  DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

     24.  HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

     25.  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

     26.  IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

     27.  IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

     28.  WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

     29.  WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM? 

     30.  WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

     31.  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

     32.  CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

    Joke of the Moment;

     An Australian was inIreland. On his way toBelfast, he stopped at a bar and asked one of the locals, “What’s the quickest way to Belfast?”

    The Irishmen asked, “Are you walking or driving?”

    The Australian replied, “I’m driving!”

    The Irishman said, “Aye, that’d be the quickest way!”

    Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

    Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.

    The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Spaniard said; “You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a four-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built”.

    The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor’s house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; “You see that bridge over there?”

    The Spaniard replied; “No.”

    If you’re not  familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the guy  who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”  His mind sees things differently than most of us do; here are some of his gems:

    1 – I’d  kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.2 – Borrow money from pessimists—they don’t expect it back.

    3 – Half the people you know are below average.

    4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5 –  82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    8 – If you want the  rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

    9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

    10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

    12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

    13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

    14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

    17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

    19 – I intend to live forever, so far, so good.

    20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked  into jet engines.

    22 – What happens if you get scared half to death  twice?

    23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”  24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for  your name?

    25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence  that you tried.

    26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

    28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

    29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

    32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

    34 – If  at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.   35 – I once met a man with wooden legs……and real feet  36 – Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

    37 –  There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

    38 – I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

    39 –  If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

    40 – On the other hand… You have different fingers.

    41 – I filled out an application that said, “In Case Of Emergency Notify”. I wrote “Doctor”…

    42 –  When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
    I was an only child….eventually.

    43 –  I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a
    message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

    44 –  Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
    And the all time favorite.

    45  – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?